Seperation

The rusted heap of my truck next to me I start putting things together. The dream of the crow on the tracks comes to mind. The many times I saw the man on the tracks looking at me. Before they all seemed insignificant but now they make perfect sense. I had been preparing myself for this, maybe only on a subconscious level but I new it was a possibility. How I don't quite know. I was open to the idea, I had to be because it haunted me for over a year. Believing it could happen was the only thing that kept me sane. Going around thinking you might just one day disappear and keeping your sanity is no easy task. Fighting it would ensure that I had no chance of keeping my sanity. Spending a year as a man divided was no easy task but I always kept the other me in check feeding him enough to keep him alive and now I am living that other person. A pain rips across my heart, the pain of loneliness. My family is somewhere else. I am somewhere else. That is just too much for my divided self to endure. So many truths about what is happening to me flow over me that it is hard to take it all in. I don't care about this place. I never thought I would crack like this. The pain surges up again and tears stream down my face. My little girl with her beautiful golden hair running through the yard. Playing checkers with my son staring into his stormy blue eyes and the sweetness of his face. All of it is gone. Dropping to my knees I scream out. I know there is nobody to hear me. Rolling onto my side I simply lie down onto the weeds that are overgrowing the asphalt. I lie there and cry. My wife who it seems like I spent my whole life looking for is taken from me in an instant. The one person who I knew shared my outlook on life. The one person who you know will understand why something was funny of made you mad when everybody else just didn't get it. All of it just vanished like the world where I once lived. I see her eyes staring at me with her cheeks raised up in a smile. I can't stop my pain. I double over holding myself tight. Closing my eyes I fight my sadness but all I see are her eyes. Blue like my son and daughter but special in their own way. They are multifaceted like a gem stone showing great dept and understanding. Different hues of blue are flakes throughout her eyes showing their dept. There is but one fault, and that fault makes them perfect to me. Her right eye has a small fleck of brown at the bottom. Something so unusual that I cherish it with all of my heart. My breathing is contained to short bursts as I try and stifle through the sobs. I need to calm down or I won't be able to breathe. I relax but feel no better than a zombie or an empty shell. I simply lie there on the ground with no will to move, get up or do anything but simply cease to exist. I lie there and let the depression fill me up and cover me over like a heavy burden I do not care to bare. I open my eyes and I am looking back the way I had come. Over the tracks and I see a deserted world. The gas station had long collapsed on itself. The red glow from the signs that I had seen when spinning out of control is now a deep faded pink that is almost transparent. The track are still intact and the crossing guard frame work that I should of crashed into shows no sign of damage just some rust. The one on the other side has collapsed. I knew that it would be like that. In the dream of the crow I was sitting on the framework above the tracks and could look into this world or the one I had left. But not anymore that was a one way trip. I start to cry again and just lie there in the setting sun.