I spend my days thinking about the place in my dream. I watch the Cotton Square mall disappear on a daily basis as it is slowly dismantled. I know that somewhere else the mall still exists. A burned out shell in a semi arid landscape but it it there. Every day that passes I feel these two places tear further and further apart from each other. I wonder why it is focused on this one spot. Was everything the same until they started the demolition of this building did that single decision spark the separation of worlds and create the desolate one I saw in my dream. That seems just too odd to wrap my head around and as I continue to look for dots to connect it all together. Dots that just are not there, I am not supposed to know. The more I think about it the more I feel that it is all wrong to think about it and I feel the FuzZ creeping into my mind.
Ever since they started tearing down the building the man at the tracks disappeared. I first saw him driving to work one dark morning. Like I said he was standing being the framework of the rail road crossing guards. Shrouded in a black Haze I really can't see him and figure that he is just a play of shadows. It wouldn't be the first time I saw something that was not there. I drive on to work. Day two: I completely forget about seeing him yesterday and then I see him again. I have the same initial shock and the same disbelief as yesterday. This time I credit it to a very specific play of shadows. I also come up with the idea that it is just somebody waiting for the bus, there is a stop just a few feet away. Nope when I look back to confirm if he is just walking to the bus stop he is gone. This goes on and on for several weeks until I am forced to admit that he is there. He is there all the time. He is always looking for me but just like me he can only see me for an instant each day. I don't know how I know so much about him or so much about all of the things that are bound to happen to me. I think it is the third part of me trying to warn myself on what is to come. What what was that. I don't even know how to interpret that idea. I can't help but to stop and listen. Slowly it comes to me I know who is the man in the shadow. It is me. I am looking for myself not in the soul searching way but I am physically looking for myself. I am over there and I don't want to be there anymore. I am looking for a way back, but how could I look at myself? How can I bring myself back from a place that only exists inside of my dream. I start to panic not like crap did that cop see me run that light but more like I wonder how I'll spend my free time in the mental institution.
I continue to see myself looking across the tracks for two more weeks. About the time they are tearing the building down and I start to feel the separation of the two worlds I stop seeing myself. I go back to dismissing it as a play of the lights. I have stopped looking for myself and I stopped trying to figure out how to help myself and concentrate on my sanity instead.
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