Interlude: Return of the Fuzz

Just realizing the doorway, and I may be forced to step away. Will I be able to find it again?

Will I become the ancor which I sought, but the truth might be that I am not allowed a safety line into madness. Why should I be allowed to jump back and forth to keep me feeling safe.

Then my way is clear.

I become the ancor and I live what I saw those few days, that will be enough.

While stuck here I often wondered what puzzle I needed to solve so I can be free. There is something holding me back but I don't know what it is. Not aware that it would come to me I marched off hurridly looking for it and hidden inside my heavy footfalls I was unable to stop and listen and see. Sight that comes from energy. Able to see in, over, around and through all life when everything gleams and is magical for it's sheer existance. Then and only then is it appreciated and understood. That which overflows from one object to another creating a wave of relization and gives shine to life and the world aroundus. It is always there but very hard to hear.

If that is the case then I am now truly deaf.

The end of this world is near if I could only leave it. If I could go through the portal. If I could cut the ancor free. Once again overwelming saddness engulfs me and the pain is a burdon which I do not know how long I can bare. I have fought it for three years with only the love of my children to keep me up. I refuse to let them down as my parents did to me. I want their life filled with the security of love but how can that be? Still the sadness, still the pain. To go to the other world is a safe haven to pour out my energies there is a hope but, is that the way I want to live? I want to dissapear but I cannot. I would give everything up to flee except my children. I can feel the FuzZ enveloping my brain and I don't care anymore.

Knowing that the FuzZ has always been there waiting for me biding it's time. I was just too occupied with life to see it advancing. For some time I was ignorant and that was my bliss. It was always there. Insanity seems like a welcome releif to living a life like this but I would let my children down and that I cannot have. It is not that I am trapped by them but, I need them and it would be too painful to think about them missing me.

Wyh should I talk about anything else. Lets just say that it all sucks, my job, my socal interactions, feeling totally alone wherever I go, but I know I am not that special.