The Paper Tiger

"You are nothing but a paper Tiger," and without even knowing what that is I know that it is not nice and that he is right. A soft wave of relief flows over me knowing that my state of mind has a name. At leas the person I am here. Really I am two but need to be three. I am searching for the third.

I told Jeff the other day that I wanted the third to be in a room above an Indian Restaurant painted in faded purple smelling of rice and saffron. Leftover posters from old balliwood movies cover the walls, odds and ends that accumulate in a leftover room are stacked in different haphazardly around the place. I don't think I could pull it off. Other than that I have to disappear. If that happens I am only one, the one that is lost, and not three. I can't give up the other two yet.

Stepping right into the conversation I ask the mechanic, "What is a paper tiger?"

Randy now knowing that I am stuck to listen to him smiles and rocks back onto his heels and interlaces his fingers across his chest. His fingers begin to twiddle in that devious little way. "A tiger made of paper looks fierce but has no teeth." He smiles giving me a genuine insult that I simply take in.

I am angered at first but realize that he is speaking the truth. It is hard to be angry at the truth compared to lies. Stepping backwards and away I let Randy enjoy his moment of triumph as he cut me down. Where he finally came up with that realization I don't know but it rings true. I have faked it too long, but even a paper tiger will take a bite only to realize afterwards that it was useless. A tiger remains a tiger paper or not. We are turned into a paper tiger through lack of support and a fear of consequences.

I could return to a true tiger but there is not enough fight in me to do it. The relief of being named is faded. I already know this person. I want to be rid of the paper tiger but I am stuck. The FuzZ and the paper tiger are allies, they fight against me, on the team of my self destruction. With no chance of finding my third i am lost. I don't know what is keeping them at bay I only hope it is love. I am about to arrive and I am not ready and that is unbearable.